This paper presents a third-wave variationist sociolinguistic analysis of Moira Rose, the bombastic matriarch in the sitcom “Schitt’s Creek” (CBC 2015–2020) whose eccentric bundle of linguistic features has prompted audiences to question the veracity and origin of her speaking style, even as it aligns with (and viewers successfully interpret it as) belonging to a member of the cultural elite. It is argued that television dialogue, by matching fictional characters’ speaking styles with their often stereotypical social identities, offers unique insights into real-world language ideologies. In particular, Moira’s high-class identity is manifested in her use of archaic vocabulary and a phonology inspired by prestige foreign dialects (e.g., “baby” pronounced as the French [bebe]); her melodramatic diva personality, meanwhile, is showcased through attention-grabbing prosodic variables like exaggerated high-low pitch contours and hyperemphasis (or “staccato” stressing) of consecutive syllables within a word or at the end of a phrase. Drawing comparisons to Hollywood’s mid-twentieth century “transatlantic” accent, Moira’s bricolage of variables indexing wealth and sophistication creates an unplaceable yet parse-able style, often credited with being the most fascinating and humorous aspect of “Schitt’s Creek”.